What is "Right"?

My whole life I grew up thinking this or that should not be done and instead you need to wait a certain amount of time until you can move on to the next phase. A little excessive, maybe? I am exaggerating, actually. I was not OCD about the exact moment and time, but just general amounts of time. So afraid of making a mistake, I boxed myself in and set myself on a course that would ensure me happiness. Right? Wrong. Instead, I know I missed out on several chances for happiness; chances that would teach me about others and more about myself because of it.

One thing I've come to realize is there is no "right" way; no "right" time. We can advise others all we want, learn from a bunch of different people, even read thousands and thousands of pages. It's who has our focus that makes the difference. I'm not referring to whether we should break a 10 commandment - those are rights and wrongs that are set in stone. What I am referring to is everyday life situations. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you should or shouldn't go to college, date this person, work there, spend money on that, etc. What matters is what gives you peace.

A friend told me during a period of my life when I was deeply distraught, "God is not a God of confusion; God is a God of peace".

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. 

      (1 Corinthians 14:33)

I have tried to force so many things into my life; told myself this is what was supposed to happen so I should do it. I convinced myself to do things despite the confusion and stress it was bringing me. So again I say, there is no "right" way; there is no blue print. How frustrating it can be to flip open the bible, ask God to reveal Himself, and find no answer. While God does reveal things to us in the bible, He never specifically writes, "Stephanie, on this day at this exact time, that is when you can finally fulfill your desire and go to Uganda". No. It take my complete focus on Him for it to be revealed to me. He may not whisper it to me but rather give me peace. Though I do not believe in the "right" thing to do, I believe there is a "right" path. This path is relative. It is unique to every person. The "right" path is the peaceful path. As soon as we take our eyes off of God, we lose peace.

On a side note, peace does not mean the absence of conviction. God gives us His Spirit to convict us and gives us peace; to lead us on the right path. This conviction is not meant to steer us into confusion but rather gives us peace. This is God's whisper, nudge, giving us a gut feeling of what we should do or where we should go.

 

We are all made unique in His image.

I am reminded of Psalm 139 and it's beauty.

(Psalm 139:1-18)

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²  but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

Let's Have Adventure, Shall We?

The past year and half has been extremely difficult. I have learned to be on my toes and ready for anything. These days, there is a lack of that level of difficulty in my life. While most would be beyond thankful, I am, oddly enough, a bit disappointed. I grew accustomed to the hard life. I began to find the joy and blessings in suffering. It caused me to try harder and learn more. I am so changed dramatically because of the things that have happened in the past year and a half. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Nowadays, I am almost expectant for something crazy and arduous to happen. Sure there are hard things such as studying for a test and constantly keeping up with school and my two jobs. They're not the same though; my heart isn't challenged the same way. In fact, it sends me in a straight line rather than being happier or suffering more. Enduring hard circumstances and thought processes; battling my own self; becoming accustomed to this life and learning to expect it leaves me constantly waiting for something. Where is that heat? That passion? Where is that desperation? 

Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there". I seem to struggle with this lately dreaming of one day this and that happening. I want to focus on the here and now; I want to dive into every moment giving it, the people around me and myself all I've got. We only get each moment once. Why let is pass by? Why take it for granted? There so much to experience and so much to learn. ADVENTURE LURKS AROUND EVERY CORNER. Anticipate it by soaking up each moment for everything it is and therein will lie your adventure.

I crave it. I crave something new. I crave the unknown and the mystery. I'm sure many of you do too. Not many of us actually go after it though. Each of us find joy and happiness in our own way. Many of us are content with what we've grown up with. Many are scared to seek something more. Many let fear hold them back from life's endless possibilities. Then there are the few that see the risk, see the fear, but deny them and go after the challenge and adventure anyway.

I'm not talking about just traveling to another part of the world. Adventure lies in your heart - it doesn't matter where you are; you can have an adventure every second of your life!

As G. K. Chesterton said, "An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered". How often do we let inconveniences get the best of us? How often do we miss out on something more because we are too concerned with what we originally wanted and ultimately focused on our self? Focusing on others produces much joy. Selflessness is the key. Selflessness with a right heart.

What is true selflessness? I believe our prime example is Jesus. He died to save us. He suffered brutal pain for us. We may not be put in situations to do exactly this, laying our lives down, but we can lay our lives down with each moment in a metaphorical way. Putting others before ourselves, thinking of them, following God's every move - this is honorable; this is selfless. God showed us this because He knows this is how things work best - when we live for each other. He believes we get the most out of each of our lives if we do this. So why not? Why not be selfless? Why not submerge yourself in joy and adventure? 
 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.
       John 10:10

Loving God

I was listening to the song, He Wants It All by Forever Jones and writing a letter to a dear friend of mine when a new concept of God and love dawned on me.

Just like we all strongly desire to be deeply loved more than anything, so does He! And just think, He loves each and everyone of us more than we can ever imagine, but NO ONE does that for him. Holy Moly. Does that bother any one else? Yes, I know He is a perfect God and so it may not seem like a big deal because He can do whatever He wants, have whatever He wants, etc, etc. We were made in HIS IMAGE, though. Which means, He hurts and longs for others just like we do. I don't know about you, but I want to be there for my Father. I want to pursue my Beloved and treat Him better than He deserves just like He does for me.

This is such a light bulb, ground breaking moment for me. WEEF! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC6b1RS57p8 

The Truth

http://vimeo.com/32125879

I don't know how much of this video is true, but I do know the gist of it is. How completely humbling is it to know that while many sit and complain about having nothing to do, others are starving to death with no love and no hope. 

Here's another mind blower Kisses from Katie author, Katie Davis:

I have a young friend named Maria. The truth is that Maria had never had a bath before I took her home and gave her one. The truth is that Maria has no one who cares for her. No one who tells her she is loved. The truth is that Maria is sent from her home in the slum outside of Jinja to beg on the streets for food, and no one in Uganda wants to touch her or help her or cares that she is sick. The truth is that Maria is just like you or me. A person. Real. A child of the king. 

Meet Rose and Brenda. The truth is that they are orphans. Abandoned and living in an orphanage. Now tow of 143 million. The truth is that when they go to bed at night no one tucks their blankets in around them and kisses their foreheads. The truth is that when they wake up, frightened, in the dark, no one runs to comfort them. The truth is that due to someone else's carelessness, Brenda will die of AIDS.

Meet David and Bashir. The truth is that these precious little boys were child soldiers, abducted, sold as property, and forced to kill. Now that the war is winding down, they are not permitted back in their villages because they are seen as traitors, so they beg on the streets.

And the truth is that these are only the children I know, in a very small fraction of a very small country. The truth is that there are children like this all over the world, sick, starving, dying, unloved, and uncared for. The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. 

The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.

This is the Truth. I have the freedom to believe it. The freedom, the opportunity to do something about it. The truth is that He loves these children just as much as He loves me and now that I know, I am responsible.

Here's another truth: these people are just like you and me, no better, no worse. They deserve to have a nice bed to sleep in, a place to call their own, a hug, a warm and hearty meal just as much as us. So why is it that so many people do NOTHING about it?

Does it not say... 


Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
                 (Romans 12:21)

Carry each other's burdens.
                 (Galatians 6:2) 
 
Be imitators of god, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
                 (Ephesians 5:1,2)

Love your neighbor as yourself.
                 (Matthew 22:38)

Whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.
                 (Matthew 25:45)

Share freely with your bothers and toward the poor and the needy in your land.                              (Deuteronomy 15:11)

Seek justice, encourage the oppressed. Defend the cause of the orphans, fight for the rights of the widow.
                 (Isaiah 1:17)

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where you treasure is, there your hear will be also.
                 (Luke 12:33, 34)

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. 
                 (Luke 12:48)

These are just a few things He tells us. He did not say to do any of this only if it was easy. Jesus demands every tiny part of us and wants us to be a strong light in this world. Life is messy. Life is hard. Life goes on. Accepting Jesus into your heart doesn't change any of this, but it makes it all worth it.

My Scatterbrained Life

Feel that? That's a purpose. Sometimes I find it easy to forget. This is another day I am alive. This should be exciting! God hasn't just blessed me with more air to breathe, He's entrusted me with an honorable purpose: to love as He loves us and to tell everyone about Him. Especially during the summer, there are many days I find it easy to lay around the house to do the most relaxing thing. This doesn't take long to bore me though. It can be frustrating because I do have passions that require more physicality and money. Because of my physical hindrances and lack of money, many times I just accept that this is where I'm supposed to be. I do my best to keep busy around the house. I clean what needs to be cleaned: laundry and dishes (which in my house usually occupies a good chunk of the day), making dinner, a couple hours of walking, maybe finding something good to read, laying by the pool, playing with Charlie, occasionally playing a game with Jamie, finding something crafty to do, spontaneous dance party, maybe hang out with a friend or two. Then there the times when I just lay there on an ice pack or heating pad to relax my spastic muscles. Regardless, I have the time to go to the doctor; to actually give my body time to heal. The day almost always ends with a movie and midnight snack.

To anyone else, this probably seems like heaven. There are a ton of things I can do and I have the freedom to choose it. This is what I have every time I come home. I am extremely thankful for it because it's a huge blessing that God gives me. I am even more thankful for the opportunities to really focus on my healing and that He made a doctor so brilliant that he understands my pain and cares enough to do something about it. Although this time to relax is so amazing, there's a big part of me that doesn't like relaxing. Because I am so aware of the pain and suffering there is in the world in just orphan children alone, (and even more considering people in general) I feel as though we need to make the most of every moment. Relaxing? That's good for the mind, body, and soul. But if it God's will, if He brought you to it, He will most certainly bring you through it. He will restore us even amidst chaos. I wish I knew more of that instead of the worlds definition of restoration.

I'm well aware of the phrase, 'roots before branches'. It brings me a bit of comfort in the fact that I am not going out into the world right now like a crazy Jesus Freak the way I'd like. That doesn't mean I can't do it right where I'm at though. The problem lies in the comfort. The majority of my life was spent in this home so it's no wonder that I can live comfortably. I find it all too easy, though, to go back to old ways of finding anything to do but spend time with the one person I need most - Jesus. Because of this, the branches are taking a lot longer to get here. Sometimes I wish I had more pain and suffering in my life; more desperation. It's somehow always easier to be one with God when it's there.

There's hardly anything hard in my life right now. Nothing to cry about except for now when I pray, I get distracted. Now I go through a worship service criticizing the band instead of focusing on Jesus. Many times, anything spiritual seems boring. Though it doesn't seem that way because of these things, I do love Jesus. I'm learning more and more that love isn't just a feeling. There are plenty of times when you have to show love when you REALLY don't want to. Love is hard. You really have to work at it. It requires all of you and none of you at the same time. It requires letting go of everything you think you've ever wanted and welcoming ALL of Jesus. Love is letting Jesus overwhelm you, soak into you, make you uncomfortable, stretch you and challenge you. Because love IS Jesus.

Sometimes, I feel like I am the most irritating person I know. I hate being so discontent and dispassionate about life. I know that once Jesus throws things at me that are going to require a little more work, I'm going to wish I was home again with no responsibilities. This is what it is to be human. So then the question remains. What is it that make people think we really are the best thing? That we can really accomplish things on our own; be our own masterminds? We need to realize that there's so much more out there; so much more joy, especially during times when we don't feel like we need anyone, even God.

I am discontent and dispassionate. I am lukewarm.

Revelation 3:15-16 (NLT)says, "I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!"

This passage from The Message is more clearly blunt.

"I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit. You brag, 'I'm rich, I've got it made, I need nothing from anyone,' oblivious that in fact you're a pitiful, blind beggar, threadbare and homeless."

When we are lukewarm, we are disgusting. We are stale. We make God want to vomit. Why do we think we have it all together? Some may read this and think it is too harsh; that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. I beg to differ. Letting our passions go and not caring about what really matters could be the very reason why the person next to you is going through so much pain. We all need a little encouragement. We all need a little hope. We all have it but not until it is revealed or shown.

This reminds me to be thankful that God still has a purpose for me; that I haven't fulfilled it yet. Thank you for a continuous second chance to prove myself to be 'HOT' for you.

Break My Heart For What Breaks Yours

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours" - Since childhood I've heard this phrase used often. It wasn't long before I understood it to be a prayer of my own. Never before had I felt the true meaning of it until this past week though. The burdens I took on weighed me down significantly. Jesus' command to "carry each others burdens" (Galations 6:2) overwhelmed me so much that it became second nature. All it took was one testimony to crack my heart. Each one following it only deepened the crack; penetrating it to the core. 

I don't know that I've ever balled so hard for other people before. Jesus really got to me this week. It was like the amount of people I met, love I received and gave, wisdom I learned and emotions I experienced in my traveling to camps for four weeks just broke through. I love being away from civilization. I love being away from the ordinary. My heart is heavy for any person going through a real struggle. I don't know what it's like to be them and they don't know what it's like to be me. But we are all human. God never gives us more than we can take but things still hurt and each of us has our own battle to win.

Even away from camp and the people I met, my heart is still breaking. I feel so selfish to have so many material items and things so often taken for granted. I feel so spoiled. Why do I deserve these things? Why do I deserve luxury? The truth is that I don't. Jesus loves me anyway and only He truly knows why. He provides for me and has entrusted me with much. Thus, he will demand more from me and ask more from me (Luke 12:48b). I have a responsibility to fill. My heart keeps gravitating towards adoption, but I'm not certain about anything right now. All I know is that the Holy Spirit needs to rule each and every single moment. I can't do anything on my own. I simply need Jesus. I am tired of the world going on as if there aren't starving, freezing, overheating, and/or sick people out there. SOMETHING needs to be done.

Ironically, I read the chapter in Kisses from Katie today where she talks about how the home she knew growing up is so different from the place she now calls home. She talks about how when she returns to the place she grew up, she feels out of place instead of relieved to be there. God broke her into several pieces but then put her back together in a new way. He transformed her. This new her is acclimated to a new life full of new realities. I don't know exactly where God is taking me right now, but I do feel something similar. Each time I come home I feel an awkward adjustment. My family is amazing, don't get me wrong. I just can't help but feel like there is something more. Something more than lounging in front of the TV on a Friday night eating pizza with my family. Something more than going shopping just for the thrill of it. Something more than pigging out because I'm bored. Something more than the "American dream". We are called to love the least of these. So why don't we do it? I do not want to settle.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"
      Matthew 25:40 

Necessity to Love

I hope my life never runs dry or becomes empty. I look at older couples or people that work a 9 to 5 job with hardly any goals other than when the next vacation or weekend is and lose hope. Is that what my life will consist of? Are we all going through life with hardly any uniqueness to our name? I for one do not want to live as the world. Shopping for pleasure seems heart wrenching when I think of how many adults and children wonder if they will ever find any warmth or food again. How can I so selfishly over indulge in material items when there are so many who are so underprivileged?

I think of big market cities, such as Hollywood, New York City, Chicago, magazines and media. Our society and culture is encouraging so much unhappiness. In a race for survival and success, we are losing our character and value. Don't get me wrong, there is so much potential in the world and in people who do these things. Just because someone works a 9 to 5 job does not make them a terrible person. It's their character that makes the difference. Everyone makes mistakes, including me. We all need to focus on bettering the world though, even if it starts with the person right in front of us - the one we never see or choose to ignore.

Love is huge. It is not a choice. It is a necessity. Without love, our heart dies. I can't help but see the brokenness in us all. I am broken. I have a huge hole in me. Though I fail several times at seeking Him, God continues to seek me and fill me up. His love overwhelms me. I am in love with people. We have been given a responsibility to give freely, to carry each others burdens, to honor God through it all, and to ultimately, lay down our life for the sake of our brothers.

"In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

      Acts 20:35

There will always be poor in the land. Therefore I command you to be open handed toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land.

      Deuteronomy 16:11

Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not wear out, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 

      Luke 12:33-34

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

      Luke 12:48b 

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 

      Galatians 6:2

Whoever oppresses a poor man insults his Maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him.

      Proverbs 14:31

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

      1 John 3:16

I have no idea what the future holds. I have no clue how things will pan out. This is completely okay though. It's actually really exciting! The possibilities are endless and can very well turn out positive. It is up to each and everyone us to act on the necessity to love.

Content No Matter the Circumstance

Once again I am forced to choose the harder route. After perfecting each and every little nit picky thing I can think of on my blog, I deleted an extremely long post. Kind of feels like deleting a paper I worked really hard on. So here I am. Back to ground zero. A fresh start on the topic of contentment no matter the circumstance. 

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 

       Philippians 4:12

Based on what just happened, I can truthfully confess that I have not learned the secret to being content in any and every situation. In the past year I have come miles and miles towards finding it, but I am not there yet. Though it is a long and hard journey, I am not upset I'm not there yet. That just makes the adventure that much more exciting!

In the book of Philippians, Paul's Joy Letter, He talks about attitude and focuses on the positives in the negative. Though there we suffer hardships, Christian or not, we are not excused from joy. Jesus said to rejoice in suffering.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance.

      Romans 5:3

Although He understands our hurts and hurts with us, He doesn't let us use this as an excuse to forget His will for us.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.  

      Philippians 2:5

We are to do more than endure. We are to take action and follow the Holy Spirit. He gives us a guide for our daily lives by describing the Holy Spirit.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

      Colossians 3:12-14

Through all of this, He teaches that joy is a choice. Your attitude depends on you and you alone, not your circumstance. Your attitude develops through Christ like thinking. If you think it, you are most likely to say it and let it seep through your actions. 

Some of the happiest people I know are ones going through Hell. I know this first hand. I know physically and emotionally. God never forsakes us. He didn't send His son to die on the cross so that we could continue to go through Hell or end up there. There is always hope. We are not the ones that always make bad things happen, but we are the ones that let the bad days happen.  

With every disappointment, there is a blessing. Heartache hurts so much because we focus on it. Grieving and mourning are important in order to heal, but there is a difference between grieving and holding on. So instead of focusing on the pain, focus on Jesus and what he did to eliminate it. When we remember that, how can we ever deny joy? The biggest blessing of all can never disappear. For this reason, there is always hope and for this reason, we can be content no matter the circumstance.

The First Thought

Matthew 6:34 - Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Boy have I really come to know this. Life is ...well, it's unpredictable. Each day truly needs to be taken as it is and nothing more. We need to be thankful for each moment and fight for our right to have joy in EVERY moment. Sure grief is a natural and healthy feeling to have but it is what we do with it that dictates our life. There are blessings everywhere, whether they are seen or not. Bad things happen, but bad days don't have to exist. Confused? Took me a long time to understand it too.

As I sit in my living room staying up way past my bed time when I know how desperately I need the sleep, I can't seem to turn my mind off. So many things have happened these past two years and I am astonished. I look at my past and I am thankful, relieved and blessed to have made it to where I am today. Like any story, there were some ugly moments as well as some beautiful moments. This particular past year though was the most trying time and up until now, the most pivotal period of my life. 2012 - the year my journey as a Christian, loving and following Jesus, glorifying God, and being one with the Holy Spirit, has truly just begun.