So, Dear Friends, Please Pray

I am so unnerved that I can't focus. I listen to those around me but I don't comprehend. My heart is so unsettled that I don't feel safe. I can't stop thinking about what is happening in five days. This is something I've thought about since I was young and dreamed about for almost as long - not going to Uganda or traveling. Not even loving on orphans or children. I have dreamed for so long about taking a giant leap of faith that would bring glory to God for all to see. Well, this sure qualifies for that opportunity! What I am finding is that something that requires such a giant leap of faith that would bring glory to God for all to see is something that brings out one's weaknesses and one's deepest fears. 

I am so fearful - fearful of what I will see, what I will feel and of confronting my dream head on. I don't even have to say a word - I feel so vulnerable and exposed like those around me can see right through me.

When I fully decided to dive into this opportunity, I was full of fear for the first few weeks that there seemed to be no room for peace or excitement. When I made the biggest and final commitment - buying the plane ticket - peace and excitement finally came. After that came a few weeks ago of peace and excitement. So much excitement to face this dream head on. So much assurance of who God is and the good that He brings. So much peace for whatever may come. Now that my junior year of college is over [what?!] and I am able to focus solely on this trip at home, the fear and chaos has returned.


So, dear friends, this is what I ask of you - PLEASE PRAY

1. Health and Safety
      --> I get stomach aches easily [and that's IN America]
2. To make a friend to connect with - emotionally and humor wise
3. Money --> I am still a good chunk from the amount needed for this trip
4. Peace and excitement pre-trip and during trip
5. Remember all paperwork for trip and for things to go smoothly
6. Flexible attitude
7. Peace for my family
      --> open to God's will
      --> that this experience would bring my family and I closer
8. Open mindedness to others and God
9. Spare Judgement on others
      --> this is not a faith based organization. I hope I can avoid falling into old ways and overcome intimidation. Instead, I hope I can love people where they're at, as Jesus does.
10. Open mindedness to my future
      --> whether I am alive or dead, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am with my loved ones or not, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am sick, in threatening situations, or in healthy, safe situations, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am living "my dream" or not, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
11. To remember this trip is more than me - to keep my eyes and heart open to those that are so hungry and thirsty for love.


This is a lot. So you can see why I can't focus --> there's so much for me to think about!

So, dear friends, I ask if you are reading this that you please pick one of these worries and pray your little heart out. If you want to pick them all up, please don't hesitate to do so. I will be so blessed if just one of these areas is taken to heart and taken care of.

Whether it has been through words and/or gifts of encouragement, prayers or financial support, I thank you for however you have supported me in this journey.

My Big Defining Moment

I did it. I made the big move. On Thursday April 18th, I purchased my plane ticket to Uganda to leave in less than a month. Let's just let that sink in a moment.

What?!

A plane ticket. To go across water. To a hot land filled with disgusting mosquitoes. Aiyiyi!

My best friend, Katie, accompanied me during this moment. I was so tense I couldn't even finish the clicking and typing required! I told her what needed to be filled in and before you know it, I heard the woman say,

"uh oh... I think I just booked your plane ticket..."

Out came a big ole shrieky "WHAT?!?!" out of my mouth.

Freaking out, Katie apologized. This was supposed to be my big defining moment. I wasn't really that upset. Surprised, yes. But not upset. The drama didn't last very long. I expected to get all hot and anxious. Instead, I was super calm and chill about everything. My friend pressing the button. Buying the plane ticket. Flying to another country. Making the expensive mind boggling commitment. My dreams actually becoming reality.

Now that I think about it, I haven't had one ounce of peace the entire time I said I would go. Fear had overtaken me. There was no room for excitement. Since Katie clicked that button though, I have felt so much peace about it. Excitement is finally trickling it's way into my life. I can finally breathe again.

I'm still not sure why it took me to buy the plane ticket for peace to come. Maybe it was the final commitment; the plan becoming action. Maybe it was simply just a God thing. Maybe, I'll never know. I do know that though Katie thinks she stole my defining moment, she did nothing of the sort. This is the moment peace began. Though I was tense, it released.

I am going to say it again, folks. I'm going. To Africa. To Uganda. To hang out with children that need love. Children that need parents but don't have them. I am going to Uganda to try and love children as well as Jesus loves me. This is an adventure I have countless times asked for, countless times regretted asking for, but countless times never been more sure of than any thing else in this world. I am making myself vulnerable, allowing Jesus's strength to shine through my weakness, and I AM GOING TO UGANDA.

That's all folks.

Fear Like None Before

Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It has yet to really sink in where my body will be in a little over a month. Uganda. Where my heart and mind has wandered for almost for almost a year. It's actually happening. Despite what dots fail to connect in my brain, this is reality. I am leaving the country for the first time. I am stepping - no. JUMPING out of my comfort zone. I am facing my desires, passions, dreams head on to make fantasy reality, or find fantasy is really only a fantasy.

And I've never been more fearful in my life.

I flip through my registration packet to become better informed of the country, culture, program and check through what's left to be accomplished before I fly over a ginormous body of water and onto a completely different continent. I am so overwhelmed. This whole process is almost unbearable...Almost. Everything within me is screaming, "RUN. HIDE. NEVER LOOK BACK". But I really want to.

In my heart I know that's not who I am. I don't make a commitment and run because I 'm scared. Jesus made me of stronger skin.

This is fear. This is what being human is. This is the time for growth and learning. So though I pretty much hate my life right now and am scared out of my mind with this situation, I know that there is hope. I know Jesus does not give fear, but of hope. Deep, DEEP in my mind and heart, I know I am going to come out of this better.

Nothing I Hold On To

For the past few months, my mind [and heart] has been searching and searching for answers. Answers explaining my life; answers explaining others lives; answers explaining God. Well, I have not come up with much. Other than the usual. God will reveal himself when he wants and wherever he wants. The struggle I have with this is not knowing which path to take. My mind wrestles over each scenario arguing, well, if you choose this path you could miss out on that opportunity BUT if you choose that path, you could put too much stress on yourself. Or there's the, both path's look great. What am I not seeing?

This has been my struggle.

About a year ago, my heart began warming toward orphans and more specifically Ugandan orphans. It's hard to believe where I have come since then. My health, mind, heart, and faith has been severely tested. At the time I was undergoing severe physical and emotional turmoil. While I still struggle with some aspects, I can honestly say I've come MILES from where I was before. I've gained several new perspectives on life. In the midst of everything, I even switched my major but more importantly, discovered my purpose in life. My passion's have always been music. They still are. But they've just had to make room for advocating for orphans, traveling, and missions. These are what make me feel alive. Hence the term, passions.

Since this journey of learning more of who I really am, I have become more and more excited for this uncertain future ahead of me and those around me. I know whatever I end up doing will not be the norm. Some may think I am crazy and foolish to be honest. But I will be following Jesus' heart; the heart He gave me.

So after months, of wrestling, researching and trying to avoid this uncomfortable and vulnerable experience, I finally gave in. This May, I have been given the opportunity to travel to Uganda for two weeks and help out at an orphanage. 1. I get to leave the country? What?! 2. I actually get to go to Uganda?! Okay, seriously? 3. I WILL FINALLY EXPERIENCE AN ORPHANAGE. 

I am so excited to meet new people and to learn from them. Yes, I am excited to help them in any way possible, but I know they are going to change me. This opportunity still doesn't seem real to me. It's sprouted lots of fear and insecurity. I have never been so fearful or vulnerable! But all the same, I know this is right. I know Jesus is my rock. This may be shaking my faith, but it's forcing me to choose faith; choose Jesus instead of fear.

I always asked Jesus for an experience like this; do something crazy that others would know came from Him. Well, now that I am in the midst of it, I think the little girl I used to be was CRAZY! I am learning how to truly let go of everything except Jesus. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o