My Big Defining Moment

I did it. I made the big move. On Thursday April 18th, I purchased my plane ticket to Uganda to leave in less than a month. Let's just let that sink in a moment.

What?!

A plane ticket. To go across water. To a hot land filled with disgusting mosquitoes. Aiyiyi!

My best friend, Katie, accompanied me during this moment. I was so tense I couldn't even finish the clicking and typing required! I told her what needed to be filled in and before you know it, I heard the woman say,

"uh oh... I think I just booked your plane ticket..."

Out came a big ole shrieky "WHAT?!?!" out of my mouth.

Freaking out, Katie apologized. This was supposed to be my big defining moment. I wasn't really that upset. Surprised, yes. But not upset. The drama didn't last very long. I expected to get all hot and anxious. Instead, I was super calm and chill about everything. My friend pressing the button. Buying the plane ticket. Flying to another country. Making the expensive mind boggling commitment. My dreams actually becoming reality.

Now that I think about it, I haven't had one ounce of peace the entire time I said I would go. Fear had overtaken me. There was no room for excitement. Since Katie clicked that button though, I have felt so much peace about it. Excitement is finally trickling it's way into my life. I can finally breathe again.

I'm still not sure why it took me to buy the plane ticket for peace to come. Maybe it was the final commitment; the plan becoming action. Maybe it was simply just a God thing. Maybe, I'll never know. I do know that though Katie thinks she stole my defining moment, she did nothing of the sort. This is the moment peace began. Though I was tense, it released.

I am going to say it again, folks. I'm going. To Africa. To Uganda. To hang out with children that need love. Children that need parents but don't have them. I am going to Uganda to try and love children as well as Jesus loves me. This is an adventure I have countless times asked for, countless times regretted asking for, but countless times never been more sure of than any thing else in this world. I am making myself vulnerable, allowing Jesus's strength to shine through my weakness, and I AM GOING TO UGANDA.

That's all folks.

Fear Like None Before

Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It has yet to really sink in where my body will be in a little over a month. Uganda. Where my heart and mind has wandered for almost for almost a year. It's actually happening. Despite what dots fail to connect in my brain, this is reality. I am leaving the country for the first time. I am stepping - no. JUMPING out of my comfort zone. I am facing my desires, passions, dreams head on to make fantasy reality, or find fantasy is really only a fantasy.

And I've never been more fearful in my life.

I flip through my registration packet to become better informed of the country, culture, program and check through what's left to be accomplished before I fly over a ginormous body of water and onto a completely different continent. I am so overwhelmed. This whole process is almost unbearable...Almost. Everything within me is screaming, "RUN. HIDE. NEVER LOOK BACK". But I really want to.

In my heart I know that's not who I am. I don't make a commitment and run because I 'm scared. Jesus made me of stronger skin.

This is fear. This is what being human is. This is the time for growth and learning. So though I pretty much hate my life right now and am scared out of my mind with this situation, I know that there is hope. I know Jesus does not give fear, but of hope. Deep, DEEP in my mind and heart, I know I am going to come out of this better.

Nothing I Hold On To

For the past few months, my mind [and heart] has been searching and searching for answers. Answers explaining my life; answers explaining others lives; answers explaining God. Well, I have not come up with much. Other than the usual. God will reveal himself when he wants and wherever he wants. The struggle I have with this is not knowing which path to take. My mind wrestles over each scenario arguing, well, if you choose this path you could miss out on that opportunity BUT if you choose that path, you could put too much stress on yourself. Or there's the, both path's look great. What am I not seeing?

This has been my struggle.

About a year ago, my heart began warming toward orphans and more specifically Ugandan orphans. It's hard to believe where I have come since then. My health, mind, heart, and faith has been severely tested. At the time I was undergoing severe physical and emotional turmoil. While I still struggle with some aspects, I can honestly say I've come MILES from where I was before. I've gained several new perspectives on life. In the midst of everything, I even switched my major but more importantly, discovered my purpose in life. My passion's have always been music. They still are. But they've just had to make room for advocating for orphans, traveling, and missions. These are what make me feel alive. Hence the term, passions.

Since this journey of learning more of who I really am, I have become more and more excited for this uncertain future ahead of me and those around me. I know whatever I end up doing will not be the norm. Some may think I am crazy and foolish to be honest. But I will be following Jesus' heart; the heart He gave me.

So after months, of wrestling, researching and trying to avoid this uncomfortable and vulnerable experience, I finally gave in. This May, I have been given the opportunity to travel to Uganda for two weeks and help out at an orphanage. 1. I get to leave the country? What?! 2. I actually get to go to Uganda?! Okay, seriously? 3. I WILL FINALLY EXPERIENCE AN ORPHANAGE. 

I am so excited to meet new people and to learn from them. Yes, I am excited to help them in any way possible, but I know they are going to change me. This opportunity still doesn't seem real to me. It's sprouted lots of fear and insecurity. I have never been so fearful or vulnerable! But all the same, I know this is right. I know Jesus is my rock. This may be shaking my faith, but it's forcing me to choose faith; choose Jesus instead of fear.

I always asked Jesus for an experience like this; do something crazy that others would know came from Him. Well, now that I am in the midst of it, I think the little girl I used to be was CRAZY! I am learning how to truly let go of everything except Jesus. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o