So, Dear Friends, Please Pray

I am so unnerved that I can't focus. I listen to those around me but I don't comprehend. My heart is so unsettled that I don't feel safe. I can't stop thinking about what is happening in five days. This is something I've thought about since I was young and dreamed about for almost as long - not going to Uganda or traveling. Not even loving on orphans or children. I have dreamed for so long about taking a giant leap of faith that would bring glory to God for all to see. Well, this sure qualifies for that opportunity! What I am finding is that something that requires such a giant leap of faith that would bring glory to God for all to see is something that brings out one's weaknesses and one's deepest fears. 

I am so fearful - fearful of what I will see, what I will feel and of confronting my dream head on. I don't even have to say a word - I feel so vulnerable and exposed like those around me can see right through me.

When I fully decided to dive into this opportunity, I was full of fear for the first few weeks that there seemed to be no room for peace or excitement. When I made the biggest and final commitment - buying the plane ticket - peace and excitement finally came. After that came a few weeks ago of peace and excitement. So much excitement to face this dream head on. So much assurance of who God is and the good that He brings. So much peace for whatever may come. Now that my junior year of college is over [what?!] and I am able to focus solely on this trip at home, the fear and chaos has returned.


So, dear friends, this is what I ask of you - PLEASE PRAY

1. Health and Safety
      --> I get stomach aches easily [and that's IN America]
2. To make a friend to connect with - emotionally and humor wise
3. Money --> I am still a good chunk from the amount needed for this trip
4. Peace and excitement pre-trip and during trip
5. Remember all paperwork for trip and for things to go smoothly
6. Flexible attitude
7. Peace for my family
      --> open to God's will
      --> that this experience would bring my family and I closer
8. Open mindedness to others and God
9. Spare Judgement on others
      --> this is not a faith based organization. I hope I can avoid falling into old ways and overcome intimidation. Instead, I hope I can love people where they're at, as Jesus does.
10. Open mindedness to my future
      --> whether I am alive or dead, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am with my loved ones or not, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am sick, in threatening situations, or in healthy, safe situations, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
      --> Whether I am living "my dream" or not, to love Jesus and be confident that He is good.
11. To remember this trip is more than me - to keep my eyes and heart open to those that are so hungry and thirsty for love.


This is a lot. So you can see why I can't focus --> there's so much for me to think about!

So, dear friends, I ask if you are reading this that you please pick one of these worries and pray your little heart out. If you want to pick them all up, please don't hesitate to do so. I will be so blessed if just one of these areas is taken to heart and taken care of.

Whether it has been through words and/or gifts of encouragement, prayers or financial support, I thank you for however you have supported me in this journey.

My Big Defining Moment

I did it. I made the big move. On Thursday April 18th, I purchased my plane ticket to Uganda to leave in less than a month. Let's just let that sink in a moment.

What?!

A plane ticket. To go across water. To a hot land filled with disgusting mosquitoes. Aiyiyi!

My best friend, Katie, accompanied me during this moment. I was so tense I couldn't even finish the clicking and typing required! I told her what needed to be filled in and before you know it, I heard the woman say,

"uh oh... I think I just booked your plane ticket..."

Out came a big ole shrieky "WHAT?!?!" out of my mouth.

Freaking out, Katie apologized. This was supposed to be my big defining moment. I wasn't really that upset. Surprised, yes. But not upset. The drama didn't last very long. I expected to get all hot and anxious. Instead, I was super calm and chill about everything. My friend pressing the button. Buying the plane ticket. Flying to another country. Making the expensive mind boggling commitment. My dreams actually becoming reality.

Now that I think about it, I haven't had one ounce of peace the entire time I said I would go. Fear had overtaken me. There was no room for excitement. Since Katie clicked that button though, I have felt so much peace about it. Excitement is finally trickling it's way into my life. I can finally breathe again.

I'm still not sure why it took me to buy the plane ticket for peace to come. Maybe it was the final commitment; the plan becoming action. Maybe it was simply just a God thing. Maybe, I'll never know. I do know that though Katie thinks she stole my defining moment, she did nothing of the sort. This is the moment peace began. Though I was tense, it released.

I am going to say it again, folks. I'm going. To Africa. To Uganda. To hang out with children that need love. Children that need parents but don't have them. I am going to Uganda to try and love children as well as Jesus loves me. This is an adventure I have countless times asked for, countless times regretted asking for, but countless times never been more sure of than any thing else in this world. I am making myself vulnerable, allowing Jesus's strength to shine through my weakness, and I AM GOING TO UGANDA.

That's all folks.

Fear Like None Before

Sometimes I feel like I'm living someone else's life. It has yet to really sink in where my body will be in a little over a month. Uganda. Where my heart and mind has wandered for almost for almost a year. It's actually happening. Despite what dots fail to connect in my brain, this is reality. I am leaving the country for the first time. I am stepping - no. JUMPING out of my comfort zone. I am facing my desires, passions, dreams head on to make fantasy reality, or find fantasy is really only a fantasy.

And I've never been more fearful in my life.

I flip through my registration packet to become better informed of the country, culture, program and check through what's left to be accomplished before I fly over a ginormous body of water and onto a completely different continent. I am so overwhelmed. This whole process is almost unbearable...Almost. Everything within me is screaming, "RUN. HIDE. NEVER LOOK BACK". But I really want to.

In my heart I know that's not who I am. I don't make a commitment and run because I 'm scared. Jesus made me of stronger skin.

This is fear. This is what being human is. This is the time for growth and learning. So though I pretty much hate my life right now and am scared out of my mind with this situation, I know that there is hope. I know Jesus does not give fear, but of hope. Deep, DEEP in my mind and heart, I know I am going to come out of this better.

Nothing I Hold On To

For the past few months, my mind [and heart] has been searching and searching for answers. Answers explaining my life; answers explaining others lives; answers explaining God. Well, I have not come up with much. Other than the usual. God will reveal himself when he wants and wherever he wants. The struggle I have with this is not knowing which path to take. My mind wrestles over each scenario arguing, well, if you choose this path you could miss out on that opportunity BUT if you choose that path, you could put too much stress on yourself. Or there's the, both path's look great. What am I not seeing?

This has been my struggle.

About a year ago, my heart began warming toward orphans and more specifically Ugandan orphans. It's hard to believe where I have come since then. My health, mind, heart, and faith has been severely tested. At the time I was undergoing severe physical and emotional turmoil. While I still struggle with some aspects, I can honestly say I've come MILES from where I was before. I've gained several new perspectives on life. In the midst of everything, I even switched my major but more importantly, discovered my purpose in life. My passion's have always been music. They still are. But they've just had to make room for advocating for orphans, traveling, and missions. These are what make me feel alive. Hence the term, passions.

Since this journey of learning more of who I really am, I have become more and more excited for this uncertain future ahead of me and those around me. I know whatever I end up doing will not be the norm. Some may think I am crazy and foolish to be honest. But I will be following Jesus' heart; the heart He gave me.

So after months, of wrestling, researching and trying to avoid this uncomfortable and vulnerable experience, I finally gave in. This May, I have been given the opportunity to travel to Uganda for two weeks and help out at an orphanage. 1. I get to leave the country? What?! 2. I actually get to go to Uganda?! Okay, seriously? 3. I WILL FINALLY EXPERIENCE AN ORPHANAGE. 

I am so excited to meet new people and to learn from them. Yes, I am excited to help them in any way possible, but I know they are going to change me. This opportunity still doesn't seem real to me. It's sprouted lots of fear and insecurity. I have never been so fearful or vulnerable! But all the same, I know this is right. I know Jesus is my rock. This may be shaking my faith, but it's forcing me to choose faith; choose Jesus instead of fear.

I always asked Jesus for an experience like this; do something crazy that others would know came from Him. Well, now that I am in the midst of it, I think the little girl I used to be was CRAZY! I am learning how to truly let go of everything except Jesus. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCiOL7PIi0o

What is "Right"?

My whole life I grew up thinking this or that should not be done and instead you need to wait a certain amount of time until you can move on to the next phase. A little excessive, maybe? I am exaggerating, actually. I was not OCD about the exact moment and time, but just general amounts of time. So afraid of making a mistake, I boxed myself in and set myself on a course that would ensure me happiness. Right? Wrong. Instead, I know I missed out on several chances for happiness; chances that would teach me about others and more about myself because of it.

One thing I've come to realize is there is no "right" way; no "right" time. We can advise others all we want, learn from a bunch of different people, even read thousands and thousands of pages. It's who has our focus that makes the difference. I'm not referring to whether we should break a 10 commandment - those are rights and wrongs that are set in stone. What I am referring to is everyday life situations. It doesn't matter how many people tell you you should or shouldn't go to college, date this person, work there, spend money on that, etc. What matters is what gives you peace.

A friend told me during a period of my life when I was deeply distraught, "God is not a God of confusion; God is a God of peace".

For God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints. 

      (1 Corinthians 14:33)

I have tried to force so many things into my life; told myself this is what was supposed to happen so I should do it. I convinced myself to do things despite the confusion and stress it was bringing me. So again I say, there is no "right" way; there is no blue print. How frustrating it can be to flip open the bible, ask God to reveal Himself, and find no answer. While God does reveal things to us in the bible, He never specifically writes, "Stephanie, on this day at this exact time, that is when you can finally fulfill your desire and go to Uganda". No. It take my complete focus on Him for it to be revealed to me. He may not whisper it to me but rather give me peace. Though I do not believe in the "right" thing to do, I believe there is a "right" path. This path is relative. It is unique to every person. The "right" path is the peaceful path. As soon as we take our eyes off of God, we lose peace.

On a side note, peace does not mean the absence of conviction. God gives us His Spirit to convict us and gives us peace; to lead us on the right path. This conviction is not meant to steer us into confusion but rather gives us peace. This is God's whisper, nudge, giving us a gut feeling of what we should do or where we should go.

 

We are all made unique in His image.

I am reminded of Psalm 139 and it's beauty.

(Psalm 139:1-18)

O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
² You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
³ You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
⁴ You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.
⁵ You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²  but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

¹³ You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
¹⁵ You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
¹⁶ You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.

¹⁷ How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
¹⁸ I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

Let's Have Adventure, Shall We?

The past year and half has been extremely difficult. I have learned to be on my toes and ready for anything. These days, there is a lack of that level of difficulty in my life. While most would be beyond thankful, I am, oddly enough, a bit disappointed. I grew accustomed to the hard life. I began to find the joy and blessings in suffering. It caused me to try harder and learn more. I am so changed dramatically because of the things that have happened in the past year and a half. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Nowadays, I am almost expectant for something crazy and arduous to happen. Sure there are hard things such as studying for a test and constantly keeping up with school and my two jobs. They're not the same though; my heart isn't challenged the same way. In fact, it sends me in a straight line rather than being happier or suffering more. Enduring hard circumstances and thought processes; battling my own self; becoming accustomed to this life and learning to expect it leaves me constantly waiting for something. Where is that heat? That passion? Where is that desperation? 

Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there". I seem to struggle with this lately dreaming of one day this and that happening. I want to focus on the here and now; I want to dive into every moment giving it, the people around me and myself all I've got. We only get each moment once. Why let is pass by? Why take it for granted? There so much to experience and so much to learn. ADVENTURE LURKS AROUND EVERY CORNER. Anticipate it by soaking up each moment for everything it is and therein will lie your adventure.

I crave it. I crave something new. I crave the unknown and the mystery. I'm sure many of you do too. Not many of us actually go after it though. Each of us find joy and happiness in our own way. Many of us are content with what we've grown up with. Many are scared to seek something more. Many let fear hold them back from life's endless possibilities. Then there are the few that see the risk, see the fear, but deny them and go after the challenge and adventure anyway.

I'm not talking about just traveling to another part of the world. Adventure lies in your heart - it doesn't matter where you are; you can have an adventure every second of your life!

As G. K. Chesterton said, "An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered". How often do we let inconveniences get the best of us? How often do we miss out on something more because we are too concerned with what we originally wanted and ultimately focused on our self? Focusing on others produces much joy. Selflessness is the key. Selflessness with a right heart.

What is true selflessness? I believe our prime example is Jesus. He died to save us. He suffered brutal pain for us. We may not be put in situations to do exactly this, laying our lives down, but we can lay our lives down with each moment in a metaphorical way. Putting others before ourselves, thinking of them, following God's every move - this is honorable; this is selfless. God showed us this because He knows this is how things work best - when we live for each other. He believes we get the most out of each of our lives if we do this. So why not? Why not be selfless? Why not submerge yourself in joy and adventure? 
 

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly.
       John 10:10

Loving God

I was listening to the song, He Wants It All by Forever Jones and writing a letter to a dear friend of mine when a new concept of God and love dawned on me.

Just like we all strongly desire to be deeply loved more than anything, so does He! And just think, He loves each and everyone of us more than we can ever imagine, but NO ONE does that for him. Holy Moly. Does that bother any one else? Yes, I know He is a perfect God and so it may not seem like a big deal because He can do whatever He wants, have whatever He wants, etc, etc. We were made in HIS IMAGE, though. Which means, He hurts and longs for others just like we do. I don't know about you, but I want to be there for my Father. I want to pursue my Beloved and treat Him better than He deserves just like He does for me.

This is such a light bulb, ground breaking moment for me. WEEF! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC6b1RS57p8