Feel that? That's a purpose. Sometimes I find it easy to forget. This
is another day I am alive. This should be exciting! God hasn't just
blessed me with more air to breathe, He's entrusted me with an honorable
purpose: to love as He loves us and to tell everyone about
Him. Especially during the summer, there are many days I find it easy
to lay around the house to do the most relaxing thing. This doesn't take
long to bore me though. It can be frustrating because I do have
passions that require more physicality and money. Because of my physical
hindrances and lack of money, many times I just accept that this is
where I'm supposed to be. I do my best to keep busy around the house. I
clean what needs to be cleaned: laundry and dishes (which in my house
usually occupies a good chunk of the day), making dinner, a couple hours
of walking, maybe finding something good to read, laying by the pool,
playing with Charlie, occasionally playing a game with Jamie, finding
something crafty to do, spontaneous dance party, maybe hang out with a
friend or two. Then there the times when I just lay there on an ice pack
or heating pad to relax my spastic muscles. Regardless, I have the time
to go to the doctor; to actually give my body time to heal. The day
almost always ends with a movie and midnight snack.
To anyone else, this probably seems like heaven. There are a ton
of things I can do and I have the freedom to choose it. This is what I
have every time I come home. I am extremely thankful for it because it's
a huge blessing that God gives me. I am even more thankful for the
opportunities to really focus on my healing and that He made a doctor so
brilliant that he understands my pain and cares enough to do something
about it. Although this time to relax is so amazing, there's a big part of
me that doesn't like relaxing. Because I am so aware of the pain and
suffering there is in the world in just orphan children alone, (and even
more considering people in general) I feel as though we need to make
the most of every moment. Relaxing? That's good for the mind, body, and
soul. But if it God's will, if He brought you to it, He will most
certainly bring you through it. He will restore us even amidst chaos. I
wish I knew more of that instead of the worlds definition of
restoration.
I'm well aware of the phrase, 'roots before
branches'. It brings me a bit of comfort in the fact that I am not going
out into the world right now like a crazy Jesus Freak the way I'd like.
That doesn't mean I can't do it right where I'm at though. The problem
lies in the comfort. The majority of my life was spent in this
home so it's no wonder that I can live comfortably. I find it all too easy, though, to go back to old ways of finding anything
to do but spend time with the one person I need most - Jesus. Because of
this, the branches are taking a lot longer to get here. Sometimes I
wish I had more pain and suffering in my life; more desperation. It's somehow always easier to be one with God when it's there.
There's
hardly anything hard in my life right now. Nothing to cry about except
for now when I pray, I get distracted. Now I go through a worship
service criticizing the band instead of focusing on Jesus. Many times,
anything spiritual seems boring. Though it doesn't seem that way because
of these things, I do love Jesus. I'm learning more and more that love
isn't just a feeling. There are plenty of times when you have to show
love when you REALLY don't want to. Love is hard. You really have to
work at it. It requires all of you and none of you at the same time. It
requires letting go of everything you think you've ever wanted and
welcoming ALL of Jesus. Love is letting Jesus overwhelm you, soak into
you, make you uncomfortable, stretch you and challenge you. Because love
IS Jesus.
Sometimes, I feel like I am the most irritating person I know. I hate being so
discontent and dispassionate about life. I know that once Jesus throws things at me that are
going to require a little more work, I'm going to wish I was home again
with no responsibilities. This is what it is to be human. So then the
question remains. What is it that make people think we really are the
best thing? That we can really accomplish things on our own; be our own
masterminds? We need to realize that there's so much more out there; so
much more joy, especially during times when we don't feel like we need
anyone, even God.
I am discontent and dispassionate. I am lukewarm.
Revelation 3:15-16 (NLT)says, "I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!"
This passage from The Message is more clearly blunt.
"I know you inside
and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not
hot—far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant.
You make me want to vomit. You brag, 'I'm rich, I've got it made, I need
nothing from anyone,' oblivious that in fact you're a pitiful, blind
beggar, threadbare and homeless."
When we are lukewarm, we are disgusting. We are stale. We make God want to vomit. Why do we think we have it all together? Some may read this and think it is too harsh; that we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. I beg to differ. Letting our passions go and not caring about what really matters could be the very reason why the person next to you is going through so much pain. We all need a little encouragement. We all need a little hope. We all have it but not until it is revealed or shown.
This reminds me to be
thankful that God still has a purpose for me; that I haven't fulfilled
it yet. Thank you for a continuous second chance to prove myself to be
'HOT' for you.
